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Thursday, June 30, 2005

Double Your Church Attendance... Guaranteed!

Churchattendance I ran across an interesting site this morning... and I'm not going to even give you the URL.  It is for a book simply entitled "Double Your Church Attendance".  And it even comes with a guarantee:

"Remember - there is absolutely NO RISK if you order this guide now! Your complete satisfaction is guaranteed! Order this fantastic church growth manual, review it, use it yourself to increase your church attendance and membership - and then, if you still don't believe it's worth every penney at this ridiculously low price (my gift to you) then just return the book for a full refund of your purchase price.  It's that simple.  Click here to order now! "

(I actually thought the guarantee was kind of funny... it's not a money back "if your church doesn't double in attendance"; only if "you don't believe it's worth every penney (notice the misspelling) at this ridiculously low price).

Is it just me, or does this sound a little silly?  Just for fun, I'm guessing at some of the chapter titles:

Chapter One:  Everyone invite a friend
Chapter Two:  Free food for all!
Chapter Three:  Implement the "10 minute sermon"
Chapter Four:  Add a "Bring Your Pet to Church with You" Venue
Chapter Five:  Consider the Merge (with a church at least as big as you)
Chaptier Six:  Keys to Hiring Rick Warren as Your Next Pastor

I really mean no offense to the person who actually wrote the book; but while I've never been a senior pastor (I have served on staff as a worship guy)... it seems to me that doubling your church always ain't all that easy.  And my guess is that if someone actually perfected a model that would do that, it would probably be outselling A Purpose-Driven Life right now.  It reminds me of a character made famous by famous radio man Gary Burbank (of WLW IN Cincinnati).  He has a character simply named "The big fat balding guy with a stubby cigar in his mouth and his pants half-zipped" whose signature line is... "And this time... I'm being honest with chu..."

Just some mid-morning ramblings for the day.  Hey... anyone have any other chapter titles for this book?  Maybe we could write our own!  :)

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[comments deleted by moderator]

Posted by: Ricky | Jun 30, 2005 12:06:28 PM

"Is it just me, or does this sound a little silly?"

C'Mon, Todd! A deletion?

You know the guy who wrote the book is a shyster. Why not just admit it?

Posted by: Ricky | Jun 30, 2005 12:22:07 PM

Yes, a deletion. Again, with the name-calling, Ricky.

Of course I think this book is a rip-off. Maybe it has some good ideas, but even so, the title and the way it is marketed is shameful, in my opinion. I thought that was the point of my comments if you re-read it.

When I say something is 'a little silly', you'd rather use the word shyster. Whatever.

I think everyone knows what I mean.


Posted by: Todd Rhoades | Jun 30, 2005 12:31:51 PM

How about "Growing Your Church God's Way" as a sub-title?

Posted by: Rich Viel | Jun 30, 2005 1:00:06 PM

[comment deleted by moderator]

Posted by: Ricky | Jun 30, 2005 1:05:47 PM

How About, Chaper #7:
"Attendance Rises with Cash & Prizes!"
"Name It! Claim It! Then Grow It & Mow It!"
("Mow" as in reaping & harvesting)
BTW, how's that church in Orlando, FL doing?
The one that was giving away new cars? ;)
Havin' some fun...
Ben E.

Posted by: Ben E. | Jun 30, 2005 1:17:12 PM

"How to have a congregation of 1,000....start with 2,000!

Posted by: Kirk Leavy | Jun 30, 2005 3:46:02 PM

...reminds me of a joke:

A castaway is finally rescued on a deserted island after many years. His rescuers asked him about the three huts that he had built. His answer: The one in the middle is my house the one on the right is my church and the other is the church I used to go to.


Posted by: pdl | Jun 30, 2005 7:40:10 PM

I'm cracking up here. I don't believe I have ever heard something so funny in my whole life. Ben E, You da man!
I gonna tell ya right now. I'll be using the lines,

"Attendance Rises with Cash & Prizes!"
or "Name It! Claim It! Then Grow It & Mow It!"
("Mow" as in reaping & harvesting)

That isn't to say that the you guys aren't funny. Ya'll crack me up.

I have one.

"One lucky person with the number 1 under their seat wins door prise of Sunday's offering including all paid expense trip to the location of their choice."


"The all new customise church where people use a touch screen to select the service of their choice. Press one for pastor's style and length of sermon. Press two for communion. Press three for offering(optional). Press four for music minister and music slection(hymns, contemporary, other). Press five for express conclusion or six for full conclusion to sermon. Press seven for a reading of upcoming church announcements. Press eight for the deluxe package including frindly congregation members and helpful ushers."

It could be a church meets Las Vagas wedding chappel.

What do you guys think?

Posted by: Pete King | Jul 1, 2005 2:13:52 PM

The only problem with the "lucky seat number" (at least in my world) is that if you place it somewhere other than the back 8 to 10 pews, there's a 80 to 90% chance no one will find it!
Enjoyed your input also Bro. Pete!
Only make sure you include the "press #9 to return to the top of the menu" or "press #0 to speak to a 'real' person." OR..."If you feel you've reach this message by mistake, please stay on the line and someone will set you straight on the path to righteousness."
Ministry it too serious to not have a sense of humor!
From the old "godlaughs" (?) email:
"The mark of a good church/religion is it's ability to laugh at ITSELF!" (paraphrased)
God Bless
Ben E

Posted by: Ben E | Jul 1, 2005 4:04:23 PM

"or 'press #0 to speak to a 'real' person.'"

Yeah, in India!

(with all of the outsourcing and such:)

Posted by: Ricky | Jul 1, 2005 6:46:58 PM

Wait a minute...
That wasn't Ravi Zacharias!?!
Operator? OPERATOR!?!
Honey, get the kids out of AWANA!
...........if you'd like to make another call, please hang............

Posted by: Ben E | Jul 1, 2005 7:04:43 PM

Yeah, we know, you crack yourselves up.

You forgot the great Southern classic "If we reach __ number, the pastor will kiss a pig!"

Posted by: lyrical1 | Jul 11, 2005 11:06:37 AM

I understand your having a little fun, however the man who wrote this book is a long-time member of my community, good friend, and really devoted Christian. The ideas in the book involve prayer and a lot of hard work on the part of your church. He is not responsible for the web-site. It was done by someone else. You can purchase the book from the author for around $8.00. There are no "gimmicks" to growing churches. It involves prayer and a lot of evangelism.

Posted by: Pastor Scott | Jan 4, 2006 9:55:34 PM

You should hear two songs by Tracy Dartt:
1. "Let's Form A Committee" and
2. "The First Jerobohim Come As You Are, Original Drive-Thru Church"
He also wrote "God On The Mountain"

Poke a little fun, enjoy your salvation, pray for my little church

Posted by: RICAHRD | Mar 8, 2006 4:34:09 PM


Posted by: RICHARD | Mar 8, 2006 4:36:03 PM

I look around at some of the huge and artistically beautiful churches that have been built and I can't help but think, "Is this what Jesus would want all that money to be spent on?" Somehow we have missed the boat. Being saved is not about huge churches, it is about Jesus Christ and your personal relationship with him. I don't need 1500 people sitting next to me in a mansion of a church building. Let's spend the money on spreading his message of redemption. Yes, it would be exciting to be with thousands of people who have found Jesus, but the only true way to do that is to spend the money on dispersing the Grace message not some building that will someday be destroyed.

Posted by: Bill B. | Apr 25, 2006 1:25:13 AM

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